"i'm not an illustrator"

the story i keep trying to rewrite.

the earliest drawing i can find in my family home is dated the year from when i was 8. it’s a colour pencil drawing of Pikachu in a top hat with a multi-coloured, stripe-y background on a piece of copier quality A4 paper. i never had fancy supplies, but i suppose that was the beauty of drawing, that was all it asked from me: any kind of scrap paper i could find, and any existing stationery i already had.

i started drawing seriously mostly because i was watching Cardcaptor Sakura and i knew i wasn’t gonna be able to afford any of the outfits i saw in the anime. (what even gave me the idea i could buy those from anywhere at all??) so i drew the outfits, and started imagining my own, because it was all free. it was just pencil and paper.

it felt simple then.

i mean, when the outfits looked like this, how could i not?

years passed and i found myself in primary, then secondary school, becoming the “artist kid” everywhere i went. i was always given the task to decorate our class notice boards because i was the artsy one. eventually, i even designed our Form 5 yearbook spreads. did i really want to do any of it? i suppose i did, but i also believe that it came from a kid that felt believed in. she was just a kid who wanted to live up to the people’s hopes. whether it was teachers, classmates, or relatives, people would always look at my drawings and go “ah, that’s very pretty!”

up until uni days, i was still drawing.

i don’t think it bothered me, being called the artsy one. if anything, i liked it. i liked being different. i liked being known for what i was good at. and above all, i probably liked that i was one of the only ones who was good at drawing in most friend circles at that time.

self-portrait from 2012 done on Paint Tool SAI with my Wacom Bamboo, most likely. tippy top quality, i’d say.

fast forward to my first job, where my dreams of being an illustrator went to die.¹

working in the creative field with Real Creatives² for the first time in my life, i saw how capable many others were. from illustration to design, the talent and skills of my bosses and colleagues captivated me. it made me want to learn more, until—

until i realised that one of my bosses whom i really looked up to, didn’t acknowledge me as an illustrator or a designer. initially, they would give me tasks to try out during the earlier days of my job / internship. i tried doing photo shoots, drew for some publications and social postings, but i was eventually told to take a step back. i saw the eyes that looked at me and said “she’s not good enough.” it never did come in the form of words, but it came in the form of many, many other experiences. i was constantly put down by this person, only recognised as a “writer” in their eyes, while others won the titles of “illustrators” and “designers”.

i desperately wanted to be one of them. an illustrator.

i spent all of my three years at this job proving myself, burning out consistently as i cried on the job, got angry at myself, and developed an anxiety around the identity i thought i always had.

i couldn’t bring myself to be an illustrator anymore.

i didn’t believe it.

a candid photo from a work trip where i was absolutely exhausted with life. 2019.

i don’t know how many times i need to repeat this story. drawing was my whole life. it still is. but i’m a little more afraid to get close to it these days.

now that i’m friends³ with even more Real Creatives who do illustration full-time, whether it’s commercial illustrations, picture books, book covers, or graphic novels, i feel even lesser. while they encourage me to play with their pure drawings on most days — and i’m eternally grateful for friends who lift one another up — some days i still find myself retreating, shying away when someone asks if i draw. if i’m an artist. and more specifically, if i’m an illustrator.

i watch for people’s expressions when i tell them i’m a writer. is it an expression of agreement? an acknowledgment that goes: “yeah! i can totally see you as a writer. and a writer only. more of a writer than an illustrator, you know?” i know the friendly tone. i know the sting of being boxed in. but i’m not just a writer.⁴

i long for the days when i don’t squirm and retreat physically from telling new friends i’m an illustrator. i search for the bold confidence i had as an 8-year-old kid who drew that Pikachu happily. i look for the girl who i used to be.

some of my favourite works circa 2012 - 2016

i look back at some of my older works from my uni days, and it actually feels rather nice to see the sum of works i’ve accumulated (by hook or crook, i will be counting EVERY piece) thus far. from paintings, pen drawings, pencil sketches, to digital experimentations and fully-coloured works, i actually got to find some that i’m still quite proud of. i’ve even drawn more comics in my recent days. these pieces feel a lot looser and easier, free of whatever binds me today from even sketching for fun.

however, the past can only stay in the past. i know the girl who drew all of these things will always exist in me. she’s there, somewhere, still waiting to be called on. but i also know i can’t just keep going back to her — to look for the twenty-something me who wasn’t jaded yet, wasn’t traumatised yet, wasn’t broken yet.

because i’m not her anymore.

as i currently write a big chunk of this with a group of friends, two of them have happily told me they met me as an illustrator first, and has always known me as that. i’m sure many of my friends share the same sentiment. i’ve always been that friend. it’s just so hard for me to see, and it’s so much easier to hide behind a million excuses:

• i didn’t go to art school.

• i don’t do illustration full-time.

• i don’t have an illustrated zine yet.

• i haven’t drawn a picture book yet.

• i don’t draw traditionally as much anymore.

• insert another excuse here for me, won’t you?

i know, i know, i’m grabbing ahold of my figurative collar as a second self and shaking my current self vigorously. i know.

my earliest Procreate files. circa 2021 when i first got my iPad Pro.

there’s no magic spell to cast my impostor syndrome away. i know. i’ve looked. it doesn’t exist. i desperately wish that it does, that i could just flick and swish my fears and self-doubt into oblivion, then another swish and flick to let my confidence flourish and grow and glow.

i wish, i wish, i wish.

but this is a story i must continue to rewrite.⁵ i refuse to let the story write me into just a writer. while i love being a writer, what i love more is embracing all parts of my creative being, and that includes being an illustrator.

i am an illustrator. i will say it in the mirror to myself, over and over again, until it numbs me, until i believe it — no matter how long it takes — i will. not just convince myself, but know that it is true, has been true, and will always be true.

i get to draw. and i get to tell stories. and i love that.

to end, here’s a list of movies/series i always go back to for whenever i feel like a Lesser Creative.

1. This animated short film:

2. Look Back, which i probably need to have a digital / physical copy of to revisit, because this might just be the movie that will bring me back to art, again and again. (i’ve also included the soundtrack at the end for you, because it’s absolutely wonderful and imho, what makes the entire story come alive)

3. Howl’s Moving Castle, my all-time favourite Studio Ghibli movie that is absolutely gorgeous and has that quality that says “we just want to make beautiful stories.”

4. Haikyuu! specifically, the Tokyo summer training arc, because this anime never fails to make me feel incredibly motivated every time i watch this specific season, where the entire Karasuno team transforms because you discover each and every one of their deep desires for the sport.

(this should probably be a much longer list, but i really don’t wanna risk it becoming an entire Substack post on its own.)

you’ve made it to the end of this post! thank you for reading my ramblings about one of my many insecurities, once again. i really appreciate it.

as promised, the Look Back OST:

1. unfortunately not a joke. i eventually stopped drawing for almost a year after i left my first job. i hardly posted any drawings from mid-2018 to nearly the end of 2019, and i remembered the dark days of just not wanting to draw.

2. i capitalise Real Creatives like i’m not one. like i’m still outside of the circle.

3. if you’re here, congrats! you get to check out some of my amazing illustrator / creative friends!!! in no particular order and in a rather short list, here they are:

1. Riynn, whose fantastic witchy and magical worlds i adore.

2. Lisa, whose funny humans and animals always tickle me.

3. Angela, whose little characters are full of wonder and tears.

4. Nienie, whose sheer love for everything she loves bursts in my heart as well.

5. Max, who’s basically the friendly merchant you meet at the tavern in any adventure.

6. Charis, whose deep research and love for all things SEA amaze me.

there are soooo many more, these are just the ones off the top of my head!

4. on the whole, i think i’m most comfortable calling myself a “writer”, but i also don’t mind “artist” even though that feels like a high call sometimes. in the end, “illustrator” still feels the most stressful to me currently, because i often feel like i haven’t earned the title. (don’t get me started. it’s a long battle)

5. look what i did there. recalling the title and all.